The official announcement that the popular biblical drama The Chosen will begin streaming on Disney+ elicited a mixed fan response, with some viewers wondering what types of changes Disney might make to the show.
In an exclusive report, The Babylon Bee can reveal the following list of changes Disney is bringing to The Chosen:
- Jesus now has two mommies: The Bible finally gets a little groundbreaking storytelling.
- Rose Tico stops Jesus from sacrificing Himself: "That's how we're gonna win."
- Simon Peter will now be played by a woman of color: Time to add some diversity to the endless parade of male Middle-Eastern characters.
- The Walt Disney Company will now own the trademark to the New Testament: The House of Mouse drives a hard bargain at the negotiating table.
- God the Father is now voiced by Chris Pratt: He has an ironclad contract to play all voiceover roles in everything from now on.
- Jesus applauds the woman at the well for her empowering polyamorous relationship: She even teaches Jesus a thing or two about what it means to love others.
- Baby Yoda has been added as the 13th disciple: It's all about that merch money.
- Each episode will now include a musical number written by Elton John: You'll be hard-pressed not to tear up when Thomas sings his epic ballad "Without A Doubt."
- The show ends when the bigoted, narrow-minded followers of Christ get converted to woke secular multiculturalism: Disney always makes sure the right side wins at the end.
Yes, Disney may be taking some artistic license with the story… but, it's The Chosen. That's nothing new.
Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.